24

24 days since the Big Thing.  

Will I now measure time as Before, and After?  It seems like both forever ago, and yesterday.

I’m still reminding myself we’re home.  When I wake up some days, I wonder for a minute where I am and how I got here.

The kids have gone back to school.  They are doing well and excited to be back to what they know.

But for the first time, all four are gone all day.  And it’s so quiet.

Except I hear the voices, “You’re missing it- an opportunity!” “Show the bright side, the Good News!”

But I just can’t.

The illness in my body over the past 10 days has been a distraction to the replays in my mind.  And the wondering if we made the right decision in coming home.

Because the undoing is painful.  So much effort and investment in a dream.  And then watching as it dies.

Maria left today.  Emptied and cleaned, thanks to Ryan and my father-in-law, who somehow manages to be there when the hard things need to be done.  Showing his love with the work of his hands.  And there are so many others who’ve loved and prayed us back into our safe place.

When you ask me how I am and I change the subject, it’s because I don’t know how to tell you I don’t feel much.  Except we know you love us.  We know He loves us.

And until the feeling returns, the knowing is all I’ve got.

“Still through the tears and the questioning why,

I will stand my ground where Hope can be found.”